One Year Later
So…
Its been a whole year pretty much since i came on here. I dont expect anyone i know will still be reading this but thats ok i kinda need to just write down all my thoughts anyway.
I seem to have come full circle. I’m back in Australia after being gone a year in London. Its been an intense year. I have as usual got myself into so many different random situations and events and looking back is hard.
Things that have changed:
- My mum had a baby two days ago, a little girl called Imogen (that makes six children).
- I have a house and a job and friends in London.
- I finished Uni.
- I turned 21.
- I came to terms with the fact that life doesnt turn out as amazing as you planned
Things that havent changed:
- My hair.
- My driving ability.
- My lack of ability to communicate my issues.
- My lack of stressing/getting worked up about things.
- My lack of caring.
So… Being back home is really strange. I’ve had trouble keeping in regular contact with my family because as usual life got too hectic and i got neglectful and now i dont talk to them about anything thats stressing me and they are pressuring me and going on at me to stay in Aus and work for dad and be more family orientated etc. Which is lovely on one hand but fucking shits me off on the other because i wish they would just let me do the whole ‘go travel and live somewhere else thing’ without taking it as a massive personal attack on them. Alot of people my age do the travel thing, its only hard because i have got a very young family, my older sister works for dad and keeps the parents happy so im the only one whose ruining the family unit by pissing off.
Everything is so different now. Last time i was on here, i was with Jen. Who is fantastically happy now with her gf and they are moving in together and it all sounds really lovely. I now have a gf called Erin, who i live with and have been with awhile. We have our ups and downs, she is a lot different to anyone else i have ever dated but not necessarily in a bad way, she just runs her emotions a lot higher to the surface then most people.
I have done loads of different jobs and met so many people. Its been a whole different world. Its been cold, and tiring, and funny, and random and i have really enjoyed some parts and hated others. But all in all i think it went ok so far. I am actually really looking forward to going back. Not to my job cos its boring but to the life in general.
I feel like i miss my family alot when im over there. But now that im here i realise that family doesnt really change, i still bicker with my siblings, i still feel annoyed when my parents ask me to do stuff like feed the dogs and i still feel really normal when im around them.
I havent kept in touch very well with my friends since ive been gone but thats once again due to me being slack, lack of internet etc and has resulted in all my friends now being in England and not many left here. In fact i have one English friend Heather Fleetwood Mac who i absolutely adore because she is hilarious and amazing, and so nice that she lent me her spare laptop to use when i came here, its nice to have one of those people who you can really get along with so well and its not effort.. So yeah i’ve made a best friend or two and i have Erin and my house and things are ok.
I guess i just always expect so much from my situations and from people and where i saw myself by now. I had hoped i would have a steady career set up, and be financially secure and mentally in some way more mature but i do feel alot as if im just trudging along day by day, trying to make ends meet, trying to be really cool and relaxed about all my situations and i have no idea what i want to do next. I could always go back to studying and get a degree in something random. If nothing else students always have fun and apart from figuring out how to pay rent it would be an interesting solution. Or i should just grow up, get a real job and sort myself out so my parents dont keep telling me how much of a dissapointment i am and how much my life hasnt achieved anything yet.
I just dont know where to head future wise. I wish someone would just sit me down and show me a schedule of my life for the next ten years and then i would be content. Its more the uncertainty of what would happen if i stayed here, if l changed jobs, if i moved etc etc and i just want everything to be done already.
Im so tired now. Im looking after Kelsey at the moment and shes gonna want to get up for her 1am feed and i wont even have gone to sleep yet. I spend so much time worried about disappointing people, about upsetting Erin or my mum or my siblings and at the same time i wish all these issues would just leave me alone, that someone would want to chat to me without having a massive drama that im somehow involved in and that i dont need to communicate some sort of feeling or opinion about or that someone would just understand me, and know me enough to not push me or stress me out or make me feel obligated to do something that one half of my life would like, but the other wouldnt. Because its really hard already just trying to deal. I guess its my own fault for putting myself in this situation. My family on the one side of the world. My life on the other. Now i have to juggle it and talk everyone around all day when all i actually want to do is sit quietly, with some sort of alcoholic beverage, and possibly a cigarette, and a friend to just make me laugh and forget for a second how stressed i am.
I guess i just look back on what i was like last time i wrote on here. I had hope and excitement and goals and i thought i was awesome, untouchable, unique. Now i think im a bit useless, fairly average, and have no interesting future, no amazing life, just daily struggle… And the thought of facing every day the work, the domestic arguments, the sadness of being so lonely, so isolated like i’ve been for quite some time now, it just makes me even more tired.
I guess i’ve got to that point of the night where im giving up. So i’m gonna go now, fall asleep so i dont have to think and then start again tomorrow. Its not always the end of the world, i have a new baby sister to see tomorrow. Goodnight to my little diary. Maybe i’ll blog again.
x
(I got to like a whole lot more music since i’ve been gone btw. Current favorites are Kooks, XX, Mystery Jets, Alphabeat, Jose Gonzalez, Laura Marling etc etc. Songs i am listening to during this blog…. Run – Snow Patrol, and, Sometime Around Midnight – Airborne Toxic Event.)
