How fickle my heart…
People change so much in such small amounts of time. You meet people, you have relationships, friendships, you laugh, you fight, you grow apart. And one day you sit back and look around at the people you had and the memories and feel really lonely. Of course now you have a new set of people and maybe one or two of them you will stay friends with but ultimately you see people partner up, settle down, move on and if your like me.. and you move around a lot and bail from wherever you are whenever it gets really settled.. then you leave behind people and then turn around and they have left you behind too.
I hate facebook. I wish it had never been created. I hate knowing i can look up people and see what they are up to or who they talk to or what they do with their lives and yeah its personal punishment going through all their stuff but its because its so easy. It leaves you feeling really distant though. There are people you used to share everything with that now you cant even write a ‘hello’ too. There are people you delete but if you type in their name… chances are good you can still go through all their shit.
Why do i do this to myself? Because in the past few years i have left behind and recreated my life a few times, and although of each setting i had, i still talk to one or two of those people.. there are so many who no longer have an interest in knowing me. My fault of course since i ditched them to do other stuff. But still. At the end of the day.. when you only have a few friends.. and your a bit down and all the people online are people you dont chat too and the ones you do talk to have too much other stuff going on to pay you attention… well you kind of wish you had a really close knit group of friends, who you can call up, and spend time and reminisce about the old days with.
Every time i feel that sadness, that lonely separation i get so down, that i want to just move again, and just say fuck this shit to all the people who have done nothing wrong and are just living their own lives… and go meet new people, and have adventures and somehow prove a point… that if you can all move on and upwards… i can show you that whatever im doing is somehow more fun and exciting and different.
This kind of mind frame is probably WHY i find myself in this predicament.
I spent the past week with my Aunty. It was really good to see her. She always offers nothing but encouragement for whatever i want to do with myself and is someone i find i can talk to about stuff that really weighs me down. I think i should talk to her more often, we let too much time go between our catch ups. It was stupid though because mum doesnt like us chatting because she thinks my aunt will encourage me too much and i’ll never move home or whatever. Thing is though, even if i move back to Australia.. i dont want to live on the sunshine coast and work for my dad like my sister does. it would be so depressing, and no wonder my sister IS so depressed. ive been here for almost a month now and im going crazy with the absolute lack of anything to do. I would come live here if i wanted to raise a family or something cos it is a nice place and i’d want to be near mum, but until then.. this isnt my life.
my mouth is in pain, and im trying to find space from the constant loudness of the house, and im counting the days until i go back to england. Although i do wonder.. if because ive been gone two months.. and my mind frame has changed a bit.. or more, i have remembered myself and regained some of what i had lost along the road… i think i might not be the same anymore. i cant slot back into the same routine as when i left because i was pretty depressed at that point.. and now i want to do more.. see more.. have an adventure and go places. I guess we will just have to wait and see what it all turns out like. I wonder where i will be this time next year.
‘And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time
And I don’t know how I can do without
I just need you now’
x
