Update
Ok it’s been awhile.. Here’s the update..
I am on the coast till tomorrow, then in about 5 days i am leaving for London..
Shit just got real.
I am suddenly quickly running out of time and i feel like i haven’t organised anything.. I mean, i have somewhere to stay for the first two weeks, i have my plane ticket and passport, some basic clothes.. i may need some more and i need some stuff like a bag to put my bathroom shit in, some new black pants, a black button up shirt, and maybe a dress… i really want a nice dress.. but other then that i think im just gonna take some clothes, some money, and see how i go 
I will hopefully get some clothes over there, go to some nice places..etc.
Right now i am really quickly realising how little time i actually have.. when i think about it i get that quiet tightening of the chest feeling you get when your are about to stress, i havent actually let myself stress out but i’m expecting one panic attack to hit in the next four days, probably when i’m packing or have to change money or something.
So basically that’s all that’s going on, i have been on the coast for two weeks looking after Kelsey, doing laundry and making dinner for the family while mum is away… I am so glad i am finished this business tomorrow…
I am having going away drinks this Sunday night, should be fun and its going to be interesting because a whole bunch of people i have never put in the same room will be coming together.. it’s either gonna get awkward or be ok.. I’m hoping for the ‘be ok’…
I havent really lost any weight, maybe a tiny bit because i havent left the house so had no opportunity to eat crap, but dad and i enjoy two or so quiet jim beam and cokes each night.. so that hasnt helped..
Ummmm what else? I still get to have my head shot taken for our end of year showcase/grad we have at the theatre… my headshot is getting taken at 10am the morning i leave for London so i am expecting either a super excited or super stressed picture to be had…
I am not sure what else to say, i am feeling ok with the packing thing, because all my stuff is still at my house but there isn’t much rubbish around and i cleared out under the bed, all my drawers, the cupboard etc.. i also removed any ‘naughty’ things i had in my possesion in case it’s family members who have to pack my furniture away when i don’t come back… yes i know it doesnt make sense to leave everything there and not pack but mum is still expecting me to return so i can’t really put all my stuff in storage without her being annoyed…
I am really looking forward to going away… It is going to be such an adventure. Ok i have nothing else to say.. i am feeling a little frazzled right now and i am sick to death of bickering kids, screaming babies, doing laundry for four people a day, cooking dinner etc… And i am just looking forward to being young again.. I am not ready to be a mum…
I am sorry that this blog is not in any order, has bad punctuation, is not really about anything… etc… but there is a screaming baby that i just cannot handle right now so i am officially over it..
London here i come..
Hi 5
I am currently watching Hi 5 and its pretty colourful and eye catching. Terrible songs though and they just keep replacing the members when they quit i’ve noticed. They are definitely no Wiggles.
I am on a new Production now, I will be starting Film Shoots for the third year actors next week which is ok. Its not a showrole im particulary enthusiastic about because its a film piece and i don’t know the third year actors too well plus there is sooo not going to be any crew and im going to have to beg people to work on it. Should be fine though.
I just got distracted because the girl turned the other girl into a fairy and now they are in fairy land… Awesome..
I am a touch cold. According to Jen i am a wimp when it comes to cold. So i am going to fail at living when/if i go to London.
I had a very odd sleep last night. I blame the detective book i was reading and drinking the rest of my ‘left over’ alcohols.
Did i tell everyone i got a new fish? Juniper the fighting fish. He is very lethargic and doesnt eat much so i am worried about his health. Hopefully he will hang in there. My old fish Cinnamon was much more lively and neurotic so at least he was interesting.. i keep thinking Juniper might be dead cos he hardly moves.
Anywho im gonna go put some socks on.
Talk soon all! xx
So i return..
‘So we move, We change by the speed of the choices that we make, And the barriers are all self made, Thats so retrograde’
We meet again Blog World…
I have been trying for some weeks now to commit to the ‘regular’ sleeping pattern of bed by midnight, up around 8am or 9am… But it only took about three days of my old cycle to kick me back into the routine of bed by 2am or 3am, up around 8am or 9am..
I used to be awful and staying up all night online every night and falling asleep around 5am and getting up at 7am.. Everyday. On the days i had to open the bakery at 5.30am (so had to be up at 4.30) i still thought 2am was an acceptable bed time and my brain wouldnt swtich off till 3am anyway. I just cannot seem to make my brain stop. Lately i have been fairly tired because its been a busy couple of days but even when i have the chance to sleep i just cant. I toss and turn and my mind is just saying ‘hello.. im awake.. lets talk.. so uh.. bet your pretty tired hey? well tough your not sleeping… just stare at the roof and listen to the mouse.. funsies…’. Its worst the nights before i have to work… Even the other night i was exhausted but when Jen fell asleep i got up and watched a movie then went to bed at like 3am or 4am..
So here i am.. ironically reading Insomnia by Stephen King which so far is just reminding me that not sleeping sucks and every now and then refreshing facebook to see whats happening. I considered a cup of tea but i cant be bothered. I am not hungry or thirsty, energized or lethargic, tired or refreshed… i am just… awake.
About a month or two ago i went to a doctor to figure out why i was so worn down.. All it took was a conversation on my lifestyle at the time and it was pretty self explanatory… It went like this… Bed by 3am, opening the bakery at 5.30am, finishing at 9am, starting uni at 9am and finishing uni at 10pm, then coming home and sitting on the computer till 2am and starting the cycle again. Add to that the fact that i was in my old habit of only eating a full meal once every three days and then on the other days replacing meal times with energy drinks or coffee… well Doctor Lady was unimpressed. She said i had to eat then she mentioned words like ‘hospital’ ‘commited’ and i realised i had to eat more. Even though i am so rarely hungry i now eat daily and i have no issue with it except its boring, it wastes money and i know full well i function without that much..
Oh well. I fell asleep on the couch for like 15minutes tonight and woke up too warm and then its like a button went off and i was wide awake. If i had milk and cream i would cook a potato bake right now for tomorrows lunch but i dont and the shops are shut. I cook very well after midnight.. some of my best meals were made and stored between midnight and 3am. I kind of miss the days i would close my eyes at 5am, open them at 7am and pour vodka into my juice (never on a day i had work but i went like 2 months over Christmas unemployed except for the odd concert or Suncorp game.. so what i got very drunk very often) and then i would spend the days online and such.
I am falling into a rut i think.Workwise i mean. I need a proper job and to be back on show full time. I need to be doing something because there is nothing worse then looking at the week and having like.. four days in a row where you are doing NOTHING.. like not a single thing at all. Just sitting around. Its not so bad lately cos i have Jen to occupy me but she has days where she has shit to do and then i go.. so what am i going to do ALL day.. and there is nothing.. God i HATE being bored or without a daily goal.
The book is currently lacking in interest, I have watched all the dvds, the telly got boring, and no one is online.. sigh.
Sorry for the mental dribble and terrible punctuation associated with this post. I would fix it up but i am not going to.
Thanks for reading
Bye Blog Land…
‘So maybe it gets quiet
And maybe it gets numb
At least then there’s still something
To share with someone’
Its my party and i’ll get drunk and play with fire if i want to…
Hey!
SO… i turned 20 yesterday. ahhhhhh.
It was exciting… i had lunch with my parents and they got me an iPHONE! totally fun!
Then i had a birthday party where i got drunk and played with poi and danced and laughed with all the people who came and drunk more and got made by Jen to put a jacket on and drunk more and tried to avoid throwing up at the end of the night and just passed out pretty much…
It was an awesome night. I got brilliant presents and had fun and it rocked.
On another note… i am even more into Jen then ever. Everthing she does is wonderful and i love having her near and i don’t feel right when she isnt around. I introduced her to my sister which was a big move cos my sister doesnt take well to people but i think it went ok. But yes anyway my dearest Jen is the most beautiful girl ever. I’m going to state things about Jen that ROCK..
‘Jens Awesome Traits’
She has a cute laugh, She has awesome hair, She has really pretty eyes, She paints her nails all pretty, She always asks me cute things like ‘Can i get you some water? How are you feeling? Are you comfy?’ and last night when i was running around she said ‘Are you cold?’ and i said i wasnt then it was ‘Just put this jumper on.. just humour me…’ and it stayed on because it was a wrap around tie up one and she tied me in! Also she has a cute voice but says awesome things like ‘harden up’ that you just don’t expect, She always has great clothes, She always laughs when im too enthusiastic in kissing her as if im a puppy she tolerates happily, She always touches me and is constantly running her fingers along my arm or leg or back, She always looks so intent on listening to people and when she is focused on someone she doesnt see other people (like me) watching her, She is incredibly intelligent but can still have completely useless conversations with me about random things, She is REALLY good in bed, She says the words ’shitty’ and ‘bitches’ allllll the time, She gives me a ‘your seriously lame’ look all the time but i know she loves my stupid jokes, She always looks just as excited to see me no matter when, She is soft and warm, She always looks worried but then you say ‘you look worried’ and she laughs, She nags, She whinges, She bitches about stuff and stresses heaps but in a cute way, She makes AMAZING life changing dip, She loves cleaning, She finds me amusing, She always thinks of the little things i forget, She says ‘it pleases me greatly’ all the time, She calls my way of living ‘a whirlwind’ instead of ‘unorganised chaos’ that we both know it is, and basically everything about her rocks. She rocks.
My birthday was good. Life is pretty sweet right now. Sadly i am now 20 so bleurgh no longer young but oh well… oh and i got a comfy mattress cover thing so my bed is TWICE as comfy…
Bye Blog World
xx
‘I am Awesome’ reminder
Hi Blog Land,
Ok so i have to write a ‘rambling getting my thoughts out blog post’.
Last night i stayed up till 2am in bed listening to this most depressing song ever called ‘out of this world’ and read Jens entire blog. I mean i read from the very first post to the very last. My internet died at 2am and so when i woke up i read from where i had left off. All the while lying in my dark, quiet room with that same song on repeat.I have discovered two things from this…. 1. I was kinda overwhelmed by reading the nearly every day life of someone for three years, so much so that it just blew me away, and 2. Listening to a really depressing song on repeat in a dark room is the equivalant of watching puppies die, you just want to kill yourself.
So suddenly i was in this god awful melancholy mood, overwhelmed by her life and her emotional roller coaster regarding her Ex, Wifey, Tex and her plan to go to London, then her trip to Japan etc… and i just felt so inadequate and like the fact that i didn’t have a written weekly documentary of my life and experiences over the past three years made them so much less important…
But then… i got out of bed, i went and put my washing on, cleaned my kitchen, had a shower, and stood outside in the sun for a bit. And i realised something…
Not having my life written and archived doesnt make it unimportant. I have had an incredible life… And i sometimes get caught up in a down mood and let it take over my whole thought process but then i remember some things….
1. I am not old, life has not passed me by… I am turning 20 in a week but currently i am still 19.. i am in my third year of Uni and im going to graduate before im even 21… that is a huge deal…
2. I have already had an incredible life. Like seriously i have done so many amazing things, experienced some beautiful adventures and if i had died when i got hit by that bike then i would have died knowing full well that i have lived my life fully… i have truly lived.
3. I am incredibly lucky. I have my family who are really quite wonderful, my parents are supportive and there for me, my sisters and brother are great. I have a huge network of friends, close, random and fun… Everything about my life is really great.
4. I fully know i may be living the best years of my life right now but i have nothing but excitement when i look forward to the future, i am going to travel and have adventures and meet people and learn life lessons and one day i will be old and i will turn around to look back and smile at how much i have done. I know this because its part of who i am, i moved out at 17 after i finished school to go to a uni course that only accepts 20 people a year and usually only graduates 8. My parents said i would fail and come home poor and broken but i didnt. I made it. So i know i am going to have an intense and adventure filled life.
Because i seem to like doing lists im going to write another one.
Things about me that are awesome:
I have been sky diving, I have danced on stage, I taught a boys hip hop team, I did pole dancing, I have painted cool stuff, I have read so many books, I was a cheerleader for a while, I went through a hardcore gothic phase and have seen some really crazy things, I stopped smoking, I have a really cool house that is not nearly at all lizard or mouse proof, I have a really awesome bed, I have clothes for every genre ever and could match them into a costume for pretty much any party theme, I have the entire season of Buffy and the entire season of Charmed, I have 6 couches and a hammock in my awesome lounge room, I have a blue microwave, My house on the Sunshine Coast has a pool, a sauna, a speedboat, a pool table, a jukebox, and is on the river. I have learnt from all the mistakes i have made in relationships so that i am now doing my best to be the best partner i can, I love all of my possessions, but i do not need them at all, I have a good sense of humour, I have learnt when is the time to be mature, when is the time to be silly, and when is the time to give up and cry before trying harder. I have learnt to be open minded and to give everyone a chance before placing all my judgments on them, I am totally ok with the fact i dont like veggies. I have learnt to cook. I have hilarious taste in music and i am awesome at karaoke. I have learnt so many skills through long tiring work days in the theatre that i am very handy for nearly any situation, I am great in bed, I am a really good friend, I am brilliant with children and i love babies, I filmed my mum giving birth to my newest sister and it was one of the most incredible things i’ve ever seen, I have learnt not to stress about things because it all works out great anyway you look at it, and i am pretty good at guitar hero…
There is other stuff but i have reminded myself of enough now that i dont need to write it all.
So now i am going, i am off to clean and do things and then see Jen and kiss her because she is just so amazing. She rocks my socks.
Bye Bye x
Bump In
Hey Blog World,
So i have been slack and not updated for a while. I am currently on a quick break from my Bump In and i thought hey.. why not update.
Right now i am seriously so very very tired. Last night i couldn’t sleep because i was thinking about Bump In and bills and all the rest of it. I didn’t want to wake Jen and i thought if i read for a while i would get tired.. but instead i fell asleep on the couch with my book in hand and Jen woke me up and i was all confused. But then we went back to bed for a while and it was wonderful.
It is true that the honeymoon stage is over with dearest Jen. But to my complete happiness i just seem to like her more and more. We argue and whinge and nag but in that brilliant happy way of two people who are comfortable around each other. Every new thing i find out about her just makes me want to spend more time with her and i still look forward to every time she arrives at my house. Its odd because i want to spend so much time with her always, even after we have just spent like days together i still want her around which is unusual because people annoy me usually after a while and im like.. bugger off.. but its the opposite with her. She is so funny and cute and she is really so very pretty. Like seriously beautiful.
Last night we went to the movie marathon at the globe which was awesome. We watched Teen Wolf and Tank Girl which was great. It was awesome to have Jen next to me. We went to dinner at Montezumas with Jens friend Jac which was really lovely. It was made even better by the fact that i totally wanted to order chilli con carne but figured everyone would order from the mains section so i wouldnt be able to.. but then… Yay for Jac and her partner for ordering the chilli con carne as well. It was good. Even with the green shit i had to take off it. I was glad that everyone was just as into the chilli as i was.
Also I got my stitches out which was awesome. I keep having to go to the doctor and stuff but i think its getting there. This week is really busy and on Sunday i am turning 20. I have really thought about that but in a way its like… lame… i will be all old and no longer one of those young carefree teenagers. Sigh.
I am so cold. Bump In is making me cold and tired and im thinking maybe i suck at my profession and im never going to find a real job in the industry and i should just change careers and become like… something boring like a receptionist. I doubt i have any more mental skill to become anything better.
I find it awesome that Jen has quickly become such a key part in my world. I want her with me always. I like her meeting my friends and spending time with us and whether its just her and i watching telly or we are being social at a gathering of people, it is always made so much better by her prescence. I also love her cute domestic ways and how she always offers to sew things and always looks worried when im doing stupid things or talking about stupid things i have done. She is my perfect cute wife and i am so stoked she is mine and i am not letting her dump me ever. She is stuck with me until im old and die in a rocking chair.
Ok people i have to go eat some food. I am hungry.
Cheers xx
Looking Up!
Hello Blog World!
I am sooooo excited. I am home finally! I am back at my wonderful little home (that currently has a rat in it… that depresses me a lot because ew! i have to be rid of him. I am at a loss of how to do that though because how do i find him? sigh).
But in other news…. I was finally reunited with the wonderful beautiful Jen! It was pretty much the most exciting this ever. Firstly she picked me up from uni and we went home and caught up for quite some time. Then… we went to Southbank and had fun times at Batavia, one of my all time favorite places to go. Then we had dinner (i had spaghetti bolognaise, it was yum) and THEN we went and saw 17 Again. It was an awesome movie! Zac Efron is brilliant and i am a total fan of him. Contrary to popular belief he is NOT a one trick pony. He is just a such a cute dreamy eyed thing. I mean… i may be a lesbian but even i fall for the charming smile of that guy… Then Jen and I went home and i enjoyed her company all the way until she left at midday today. The world is truly back in its rightful place now and waking up next to her made the whole world perfect. She is really the cutest face to see when you open your eyes.
I ordered groceries on Coles Online and they came at like frickin 8am and gave me alllll the food i ordered. It was kind of amazing because i have so much food right now that i really love and i didnt have to go to the shops. Plus my mum paid for it on her card before i came back to Brisbane. So yay!
Also on other news i went to uni and am back on the show! I am very glad because i like this show and i have no intention of sitting around whilst everyone else is on Bump In. I got back in time for the Production Meeting and now i get to be there and teaching the sound desk and i am happy.
I have a doctors appointment on Friday morning so hopefully i can get the stitches out and then my life will be one step closer to being completly awesome. I am going to go to work next week so that i can not get fired and all that as well.
But in general… I am doing so well right now. Seriously in a happy gleeful mood. I can walk, i am having dinner tonight with beautiful Jen, im back on my show, im not fired, and i am feeling much better and not hurting so bad.
Life is good everyone. xx
